Strength of an Egg

Tomorrow morning is the day that we find out what the next steps are with Benjamin.  I was helping him get dressed this morning because for some reason "it was just too hard to get dressed by myself, mom can you help me!"  That guy is just too smart, he knows how to pull on mommy's heart strings, so of course I walked over to him in the living room and started helping him get dressed, all the while he had this cheesy little smirk on his face, he knew he had won me over!  Yup, the award for push-over of the year goes to mom!  Anyways while I was getting his shirt on he looked up and I noticed that the lump has gotten bigger since I felt it a couple days ago, he looked at me and goes "my bump is still there mommy, I can still feel it" it broke my heart but it made me just keep pushing for tomorrow more and more.

I had a friend send me something the other day and I thought it fit perfectly so I wanted to share it with you all:

Parents of children with a potentially serious condition, are often referred to or viewed as having strength "like a rock." Albeit flattering, it isn't quite true. It is more like the strength of an egg.  An egg, you ask? Yes, an egg.  If you think about an egg, you will see the point I make.

An egg has a polished smooth outer appearance with no cracks or weak spots visible. It seems almost inconceivable that the inside might not be as smooth and solid as the outside. Most children, at some point in their lifetime, are shown the famous egg trick. An egg set at just the right angle can withstand an enormous amounts of pressure and cannot be cracked or broken. Yet the same egg, tapped gently at an even slightly different angle will break. The contents, once so neatly concealed inside, will come spilling out, and the no longer perfect shell will be crushed. Then the shell looks so fragile that it seems inconceivable that it ever held any strength.

That is where parents of children with potentially serious conditions are more like eggs than rocks. A rock is solid all the way through. If you tried to break a rock, it would be almost impossible. If successful, one would find that there is nothing inside but more rock. It takes a lot more than pure hardness to hold the hand of hope. These parents are not solid all the way through. They hurt, they fear, they cry, they hope. It takes a very careful balancing act to keep the shell from being shattered.

Balancing an egg while running a household, going for doctor visits, keeping the family together and holding onto the constantly unraveling ties of your sanity can be very tricky indeed. Occasionally, the angle will be off and the shell will break, shattering hope and the neatly secured appearances of a truly fragile existence. Unlike Humpty Dumpty though, parents of kids with potentially serious conditions will pick themselves up and put themselves back together again.

I thought that fit perfectly because I have had so many people tell me that I am such a strong mom and that I am holding up so perfectly and that they can't believe how well I am doing.  Well the truth is, I do break down.  Just ask my husband and ask my parents.  Those three are AMAZING and sometimes they just let me cry and let it out.  They are always there though to say something encouraging and my dad is great at getting me to laugh.  I made sure to put on the saying I just posted potentially serious conditions because we are not sure what is going on yet but they have the potential to be serious.  Either way, knowing that something is going on with your child that is just not right has to be one of the hardest things to face as a parent.  Wondering the what ifs, the hows, and the whys, that no one can answer for me right now are the most daunting questions I have ever been faced with.  So yes, right now my strength is that of an egg and today it feels like it could be shattered but tomorrow morning at 10am when I am holding my precious 3 1/2 year old son's hand as we walk into the clinic it will still be the strength of an egg but it will be the strength that will not allow it to shatter so my little monkey will see how brave mommy is and that will help him be brave too.

Thanks for listening :)